Wednesday, June 11, 2008

Oh, My Many Hats

I am a daughter. I am a sister. I am a granddaughter, I am an aunt. I am a wife. I am a mother. I am a friend. For one person, that's a lot of titles. Sometimes the roles that go with these titles battle with one another and cause great distress.

While on the phone with my sister tonight, I was invited to come up to NY for a weekend in July. My dad will be in town, several aunts and uncles that I missed seeing at the last big family shin-dig will be around again - along with some new ones who weren't there the last time. Karen is offering to buy me a plane ticket to get me up there. My initial reaction (as a sister) is "Yes!". Then my mind goes to work. The daughter in me says "No". My dad is always nice to me in front of witnesses, but as soon as no one is within earshot, he will insult me and make me feel bad about myself. The granddaughter in me would love to see my aging grandmother. She has been ill for so long and I have no idea when the Lord will call her home and so any time that I see her would be a gift. The mother in me could use a weekend away!

The wife in me is having the biggest struggle. My husband does not want me to go because he knows how many times I have come home from a family visit in tears. He will not be there with me and he knows that it would be painful for him to have to sit and hold me if I come home broken again. I do not wish to cause my husband any pain and so there is a part of me that has to say no to the trip. The other side of me is begging to say yes. I want Frank to have faith in me that I can do this on my own. That I can go and that no one will hurt me because I know better and that I will know that nothing that they say can hurt me. I want him to feel joy for me at the thought of spending time with people that I love and to give me the confidence that I need to do it.

It shouldn't be this hard. There should be joy and excitement at seeing loved ones, not planning, pleading and plotting how to survive it. Which hat will I wear to make my final descision? Which one is right? I still don't know. I will have to try each one on over the next couple of days and see which one feels right.

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