Thursday, January 22, 2009

Relinquishing the Control

I'm stressed. I think that has come across loud and clear lately. Yesterday all of my stress came to a head. When we were all at home together last night we had a fairly calm discussion of all that is wrong right now. And I don't mean "wrong with the world", I mean "wrong in MY world". My relationship with the teen has completely shattered and I am now at the point where I feel beaten and broken. I have no strength left (or desire) to fight him. I guess that means that he's won.

I have a stronger bond with Nick than I do with Michael. Nick is me. I understand him. I GET him. I have fought for him and for his rights with a fierceness I did not know I possessed. But time after time I have been lied to, manipulated and just plain disrespected. No amount of discipline, discussion or punishment has changed anything. I know, I know, no one can manipulate you if you don't let them. I guess I just refused to see that I WAS being manipulated.

Now don't get me wrong, Nick is really a great kid. He's not doing drugs, he's not drinking alcohol. He is not sneaking out of the house in the middle of the night and stealing our car to go out with his friends. He comes home at a reasonable hour every time he goes out. He cares about people. He is respectful to adults. He truly loves his girlfriend. He loves the Lord. He clearly does not care about his family. This is something that I can no longer deal with. And again, I know, he is doing what most teenagers do. All kids are great for other people and at home show their rotten side to those who love them the most. I KNOW it, but I do not have to LIKE it or ACCEPT it any longer.

I've had a lot of people offer advice on what we "should" do or given us ideas on what to try to get things back on track but in all honesty, I just don't want to do anything. So last night, the wonderful man that I am married to did something amazing. He said it was okay for me to not do anything right now. He is taking over some of my responsibilities. He understands that I am a broken person right now who has hit her limit on what she can take. He is now the homeschool teacher. I was willing to let the boy just go for his GED but, as Frank reminded me, HE was a rotten student who hated school and even HE graduated high school. He is determined to see our son do the same. I wish I shared his sentiment. He also does not want to send the boy back to the public school because it was such an awful experience for him. I'm mad at the boy, I do not wish to see him tortured daily. But I guess he will be a little bit because dad is a whole lot tougher than mom. Dad has a lot more rules. Mom has fought dad a LOT over what is right for the boy. The boy will soon discover how good he had it.

As for me, I feel as if a great weight has been lifted. I know that by lifting my weight a heavy one has been placed on my husband's shoulders. I am forever thankful that he loves me enough to take on that weight. I've said it before and I'll say it again, God may not have blessed us with great wealth and material success, but He has most definitely blessed us with a great love and a strong and wonderful marriage. In my mind, there is nothing better than that.


Anonymous said...

And some day Nick will have his own teens to deal with..he..he..he. Maybe he and Alex will live next to each other and we will sit side by side listen to their tales of woe, nod wisely and smirk inside!

Unknown said...

That was really good.. I am sniffling and wiping tears. I feel for you. Embrace this, it is so awesome Dad is stepping in and giving you a break and time to refurbish your strength and joy. This is an unpleasant season, but it will pass. Jeremiah 29:11 and Romans 8:28 have been better than coke, chocolate or anything else for me during my "season". Hang in there :)

Psalms 23!! Rest...

Pray for Frank and Nick to bond in these times they will have together. Pray for Nick and your relationship to heal.

Anonymous said...

... I said it before and as a mom who has gone through it 3 times and in the throws of it now.... teens are the very reason mother eagles put rocks in the nest so the off spring won't return...
I PROMISE if my 3 olders can come out on the other side alive and highly functional adults... anyone can!!!