Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Get Out of My Head!!!

Okay, so you know I'm supposed to go on this trip to Florida next month for my dad's birthday. You also know by now that I am clearly not comfortable with the whole thing. A couple of weeks ago, I removed some posts from the blog because my dad's wife saw them and they made her upset so that's why I've maintained a low-dad profile lately.

So here's my problem. I am a neurotic mess. I see the bad in everything where my family is concerned. Truth be told, they're probably not as evil as I believe them to be but considering all of the things that have gone on in the past, it makes it hard for me to look at any interaction as a good thing. I thought I was okay with going and our plans were moving along, and then a friend told me that she did not have a good feeling about this trip. She is a very good, Christian woman who prays a LOT and she advised me to get together with Frank and to truly pray about whether or not we should go on this trip and wait to hear what God tells us.

Okay, that is all good and wonderful advice but honestly, there are like WAY too many things going on in my brain and I can't seem to fully "listen" or "hear" what God is trying to say. It's a little frustrating to say the least. There have been many, many times in my Christian walk where God has spoken quite clearly to me but this time around I think I am just too squirrelly with the subject and can't seem to get it straight.

I've prayed and prayed and talked to Frank - who, FYI, is of no help on this topic. He does not like my family because of the things they have done to me in the past and the way he has been treated and if it were up to him, we wouldn't visit anyone. Ever. He is going purely to support me and to make sure that I do not get upset. Is he great, or what??

The thing is, deep down I really want to go. My dad is really, really trying to make up for the past, he's excited about seeing the boys and even went shopping to get them things. I want to go to the nursing home to see Collette because she is now on hospice with a stage 4 bedsore and they don't think she will live much longer. I want to be able to go and say goodbye. My friend says that that is for my benefit and not Collette's but it is something that I still want to do. I want to meet my father's new wife because she seems very nice and sincere and I believe that we SHOULD know her and meet her face to face. Plus, we are going to see my in-laws and my godson is planning on coming home with us and visiting for a few days. That in itself should be funny because he is totally convinced that we are Amish. If I could, I would totally pack away all of our TV's and electronic equipment just to see the look on his face when we get home!

So, I will continue to sit and wait to hear God's voice above the chatter that is going on in my brain. Honestly, I was praying while on my way to writing class this morning and all of a sudden it was like "And Lord...maybe I should make pasta the first night we get back...should I food shop for it all before the trip or on that Wednesday? Do meatballs freeze well? Sorry, Lord, I pray that I...hmmm...have I ever froze my sauce and meatballs? No, I don't think so. Who do I know with an air mattress? FATHER...forgive me...oohh, look, something shiney..."

See? I'm not right. Scary little brain....


Lola said...

I admit to not being able to hear beyond the din of what is in front of me as well. I totally don't understand people who say "God told me to..." Maybe I need to fine tune my signal?

Ooh wait, look, there's something shiny. What was I saying?

Laura said...

Ha! I do that all the time when I'm praying, too! It isn't just you, so don't feel bad about it!

Roo said...

I think the fact that you were having thoughts of what to do for when you get back while you were praying for guidance on what you should do is an indication that you should go. I'm not theologist or an expert in prayer, but that's my interpretation. Just go and be cautious and guarded.