Monday, August 18, 2008

Word of the Day? Insecurity

Insecurity. Every one experiences this at one time or another, it's just that when it comes out in the open, you tend to think, yikes, what's up with that?

Two examples - first, my husband. Frank and I have been together for 19 years. The first five were not all blissful but once we removed all of the negative elements from our lives, there was no stopping us. I am a family person and I do love our families but it was amazing what damage we were allowing them to do to us with their 'advice' and 'help'. Since moving to NC some 13 years ago, I can honestly say that our marriage just keeps getting stronger. Several months ago, as many of you know, I started this diet. As of now I am at the 20 pound mark and feeling pretty damn proud of myself. I recently had my highlights re-done and I've bought clothes that actually fit and don't hide so much. This seems to have thrown my poor hubby in to a tizzy. It's not something that he comes right out and admits to, but it's the little comments like "You're going to lose all this weight and realize that you're too pretty for me" or "You're not going to want me anymore". Now, I am a realist. First off, I know what I look like. I was never the kind of woman who WOWED anyone. I just never did and that's okay. There was never a line of guys waiting to date me. Again, that's okay. These comments of Frank's bother me because he throws them in to a conversation and then just moves on. I often wonder if he even knows that he's saying them. After 19 years, where is this insecurity coming from? I tell him how I would never leave him and how I will always love him and yet...he'll make the comment again another couple of days later.

Case number two is my sister. I'm telling you, if I had the time, I could write a War and Peace sized novel on her. Growing up, I always thought of her as being confident, secure, outgoing. What I'm seeing as an adult is that it is all a big charade. In school, she was popular within her little group of friends, but she never did anything/joined anything that she did not know the outcome of - or if there was a chance that she'd fail at it. Even now, with a very successful business, she has purposefully surrounded herself with people who seem to be her own personal pep-squad who ooh and ahh all over her but are afraid to actually TALK to her or disagree with her. Apparently when you do, the wrath is not pretty. She choses to socialize with people who are less successful than herself and most definitely less attractive than herself because it will always make her the pretty one. I'm not saying this to be mean, trust me, it's a fact. So to keep her insecurities at bay (or at least not obvious to those around her), she has manipulated her life so that all appears to be well. She fears being alone so she makes sure that the people around her NEED her. The sad thing is that now most of these people only stay around because of what she can give them. I think that she knows this, but won't admit to it (we've touched on this point in a conversation before and I know that I said it to her and she did not disagree). I find it sad that such a talented, beautiful woman cannot just see what life has for her; that she has to 'set the stage' so that she gives off the appearance of having it all.

With Frank, I love knowing that my husband thinks that I am beautiful. I know that no one else does but knowing that this man that I love does, well, it just makes me love him all the more! I wish that he weren't so insecure about my feelings for him. They will not change. I believe in 'til death do us part'. I don't know why since no one else in my daggone family seems to!

With my sister, I am sad for her. Her insecurities are too great for her to overcome alone and you can't help someone who won't admit that they need it. You have to love people for who and how they are no matter how difficult they make it. As for me, my main me. Hence the whole weight loss thing. The way that I look will always be an issue for me. Luckily, I'm really too lazy to do too much more about it. In the mean time, I just have fun with it - and it gives me something to blog about.

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