Monday, July 26, 2010

Okay, it's official...I am FREAKING out!

You know, you'd think that after 20 years of marriage to the same man who has worked in the same field would leave little room for surprises.  Well, you'd be wrong.  It is official...I am freaking out.  Big time.  Ready to lose my mind.

Two months.  Two-freaking-months of no work.  We have less than $200 in the bank, the rent is going to be due in a week, there are bills to pay (like our car payment) and food to buy.  I've got to tell you, friends, that $200 is not going to cut it!  

Yesterday at church the message was partially on how we have to wait on God's timing and while, yes, I agree with that, I'm beginning to feel like He's forgotten that we're here.  I'm a little angry and resentful towards my husband that he has put us in this position.  We are not to take matters in to our own hands and freak out, the message claimed, and yet here I am thinking "Well, if I (and I emphasize that "I") don't do something, my family is going to be living on the street!  So how is it exactly that I am supposed to be waiting patiently?  How am I supposed to know when it is ME taking matters in to my own hands to help my family and not GOD telling me to?  

I know that God has never left us without food on our table and a roof over our heads but I've got to be honest, this is the most scared I have been in 20 years!  I'm having to start cutting things from our lives that I really don't want to cut.  I'm having to tell the kids that they can't have things that they need and when I try to talk to Frank, he doesn't want to hear it! 

I'm alone in a house full of people.  I am alone in a world where others are dealing with the same thing.  I'm tired of being a charity case and yet right now I could use some charity!

Lord, where are you?  I am weak and scared and I don't know where you are?  I don't know what to do...


Renee said...

Good morning Stace,

Just read your post. Girl can I just tell you I can relate! Several years back, when we had three we were homeschooling and a baby, Lynn felt like God was calling him to step out in FAITH and begin his own business. Long story, I supported him because an older much wiser godly woman told me I needed to allow him to follow his heart. Well, 911 hit, no one wanted any home improvements, the economy was shakey at best and I was terrifed. We had no money for our hosue payment, no money for our kids Christmas and our food was getting lower by the day. I knew God had called us to homeschool and for me to trust in HIM to provide. I had been learning the name of God Jehovah-Jireh...boy, did I get tired of having to learn what that name meant! All I can tell you as your sister in Christ (I know you weren't asking for advice) anyway....God is Jehovah-Jireh - He does provide for His children. This is an opportunity for God to show up and prove Himself faithful in your lives. My husband later told everyone about the time we had one chicken left (no lie) I stretched that chicken out to four meals!! He went out on the porch and started praying, and bowed his head to cry...when he looked up a friend had pulled up in our driveway w/a box full of food!!! That whole time I would show up at church and someone would hand me an envelope and say it was from a friend...we paid our mortgage pymt. w/it. God is FAITHFUL, HE is ABLE and HE will take care of His children. I love you and will be praying for your family.


Nani said...

friend please let me know what I can do to help