Tuesday, October 14, 2008

I suck at being mean...but I'm willing to keep trying!

Okay, so this past weekend while up in NY I had the opportunity to be mean. A LOT. I refused to go up there as the fat sister, the poor sister, the inferior one in any way, shape or form. I have come to learn that the only way to deal with certain people in this life is to just be blunt and bold.

The following story shows all of the ways that I refused to be looked down upon by anyone.

Now, all of you know that I 'dislike' my sister's boyfriend. I've been told to stop saying "hate". So for the remainder of my blogs, we will say dislike. To protect the snake, we will call him Bart. Okay? Bart. Bart, who I dislike. Why do I dislike him? Because he used to be my husband's best friend. And when he started dating my sister, we tried to convince him that this would not be a healthy relationship for him to be in and he went back to my sister and told her all that we said and then lied to us repeatedly until we found out that he was merely pumping us for information. Oh, the things men will do to get laid.

So when we arrived at mom's house on Friday, Bart had pulled into the driveway like 30 seconds before us. We all got out of the car, I walked over and kissed mom and sister hello, and ignored Bart's presence. He conversed with Frank outside for several minutes then came in and asked "Hey, who's the blond?" To which I responded "The younger sister" without even turning my head. At any given opportunity over the weekend, I reminded him of how he is NOT a doctor - even though he just graduated med school (and I use the term loosely) and is technically a PA. He has turned down MULTIPLE jobs offers for no really good reasons. So when I grilled him on this, his response was "Well, I graduated....well, I need to get this certificate...well, I've gone on interviews..." Blah, blah, blah. At the end of the day, your still a man (another term I use loosely) who is unemployed, living with your mom (sometimes) and your girlfriend (when not with your mommy) with no real hope of becoming a man. So I'm like "So basically, you can now TEACH people how to INTERVIEW on how to maybe get a job without actually getting one. You seem to have perfected that craft."

Snarky was the word of the weekend.

My husband was asked to clean out the skimmers on their pool because Bart has refused to do it no matter how many times he was asked. My sister actually had the nerve to ask Frank to do it! And you know what, my husband did it! He went out and helped my mom do it. When Bart got back to the house, I asked him to put a dessert out in the refrigerator that is in the garage and he's like "Oh, now I have to do all of the running around?" Now, keep in mind, there were several people around at that moment and so I said - LOUDLY - "Why not? My husband had to clean out the skimmers that you were too lazy to do and he's never even USED the pool. Do you think that YOU can walk to the garage and actually DO something?"

Man did it feel GOOD! Granted, a lot of this is on par with the whole "I'm rubber, you're glue" mentality, but I think we established a long time ago that I can pull that off pretty darn good. Some people just deserve it. I was not violent. I was not cruel. I merely stated the blunt, honest truth to someone who really would not know how to speak the truth if his life depended on it.

The icing on the cake of my sarcastic escapades came when my sister pulled me aside to tell me how she heard that Nick though that Bart was a 'douche' (pardon the filthy talk - her words, not mine). I'm like "Who told you that?" She said her son did. Now, I honestly don't doubt for a minute that Nick thinks that but in my mind I want to slap him for saying it out loud! So rather than deny that the boy feels that way or try to make excuses, I looked her right in the eye and said "Really? You should see the Bart impressions that he does! Now THOSE are funny!"

Good times, people, good times.

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