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Thursday, November 4, 2010

Marriages and stuff...

I have to admit, I have a pretty awesome marriage.  That's not to say that we don't fight or that we don't do things that irritate the snot out of each other but at the end of the day, we are strong together and in love.  I think it took until we were together (including dating) for about six years before we actually started to settle in and get in to the type of place where we were both growing together.

For us, it took moving away from our families for that to happen and starting over fresh in a new state.  I don't recommend this for everyone; we just got lucky.  By the time we moved here, our marriage was a mess and I don't think that we particularly even LIKED each other but we stayed together because that's what you do.  Now, here we are fifteen years AFTER that move, stronger than ever.

But you know what I always find amusing, the way that other marriages work.  It's true.  Think about what works for you and your spouse and think of the advice or stories you get from your friends.  For example, Frank and I are a partnership; there are things that he takes care of and there are things that I take care of.  Occasionally we will confer with one another but her trusts me to make decisions and I trust him.  If it is something major, of course we discuss it.  But I have a friend who discusses EVERY decision with her husband almost down to what to wear that day or how to style her hair.  I don't agree with it, but it works for them.  She prompts me quite often with "Did you ask Frank about...?" and really, the answer is no because he does not WANT to asked about the trivial things.  I know this to be a fact because I tried it for a week.  Everything I did, any extra purchases, every where I wanted to go, I asked him and you know what?  He was MAJORLY annoyed.  

I had to finally confess as to why I was giving him all of this information and he told me that he trusts me to make the right decision because he loves me and I am an adult.  I liked that.  There is courtesy and then there is well...just too much courtesy, I guess.  Either way, what works for my friend's marriage does not fly here.  

I have come to learn that we are not joined at the hip; he can have his friends and I can have mine and we all don't have to hang out together.  Once a week he goes with his friends to play with the band or maybe out someplace and, when finances were a bit better, I went out for a ladies night once a month.  Mine was only once a month because I do things that cost more:  Dinner at the Cheesecake Factory, a movie, shopping...the works.  Other than checking with each other about when we are going out, I don't ask "permission" to go or what I am allowed to do and vice-versa.  Again, if that works for you, super.  It does not work here.

And finally, another situation we have run across is that I don't schedule his time.  I do occasionally invite people over for dinner and so that means that Frank will be here (especially if he wants to eat!) but I don't sign him up for events, I don't prompt him on what he should be doing in his spare time, I don't expect my "causes" to be HIS causes.  That's not right.  I know that I would hate it if he filled up MY spare time with things that only were important to him.  OR...along those same lines, if my causes interrupted his spare time.  That's why I try not to hold meetings or get-togethers here in the house because that means that he has to leave.  

A friend told me recently that she had read or heard somewhere that our husbands should be our first ministry.  I am all about that.  But remember, every ministry is DIFFERENT.  What works for you and your husband does not have to work for all of your friends' marriages and don't push your will on them!  

I'll be stepping down from my soapbox now....

5 comments:

Pinoy Working Mom said...

Yes I agree with you, what works for others might not work for you. It all depends on the individual's personality.

Lauren said...

I so agree...my husband and I have a great marriage...but what works for us wouldn't work for others that I know (just like their's wouldn't work for us). As long as it works that's all that really matters!

LittlePeopleWealth said...

Definitely, great post :) Marriage is about trying to figure out what works best for you as a couple.

Storm, The Psychotic Housewife said...

hehe, I'm one that consults everything - well, since I've had my blog, at least I don't blather so much on about shopping to him, I think. lol But you're right - what works for one marriage won't work for all of them!

mzgeek said...

Thanks for this post :) I am a bride to be and this spoke volumes to me. Since getting engaged, we've been getting advice from everyone and their dog, but what works for them may not work for us!