Marriages and stuff...

I have to admit, I have a pretty awesome marriage.  That's not to say that we don't fight or that we don't do things that irritate the snot out of each other but at the end of the day, we are strong together and in love.  I think it took until we were together (including dating) for about six years before we actually started to settle in and get in to the type of place where we were both growing together.

For us, it took moving away from our families for that to happen and starting over fresh in a new state.  I don't recommend this for everyone; we just got lucky.  By the time we moved here, our marriage was a mess and I don't think that we particularly even LIKED each other but we stayed together because that's what you do.  Now, here we are fifteen years AFTER that move, stronger than ever.

But you know what I always find amusing, the way that other marriages work.  It's true.  Think about what works for you and your spouse and think of the advice or stories you get from your friends.  For example, Frank and I are a partnership; there are things that he takes care of and there are things that I take care of.  Occasionally we will confer with one another but her trusts me to make decisions and I trust him.  If it is something major, of course we discuss it.  But I have a friend who discusses EVERY decision with her husband almost down to what to wear that day or how to style her hair.  I don't agree with it, but it works for them.  She prompts me quite often with "Did you ask Frank about...?" and really, the answer is no because he does not WANT to asked about the trivial things.  I know this to be a fact because I tried it for a week.  Everything I did, any extra purchases, every where I wanted to go, I asked him and you know what?  He was MAJORLY annoyed.  

I had to finally confess as to why I was giving him all of this information and he told me that he trusts me to make the right decision because he loves me and I am an adult.  I liked that.  There is courtesy and then there is well...just too much courtesy, I guess.  Either way, what works for my friend's marriage does not fly here.  

I have come to learn that we are not joined at the hip; he can have his friends and I can have mine and we all don't have to hang out together.  Once a week he goes with his friends to play with the band or maybe out someplace and, when finances were a bit better, I went out for a ladies night once a month.  Mine was only once a month because I do things that cost more:  Dinner at the Cheesecake Factory, a movie, shopping...the works.  Other than checking with each other about when we are going out, I don't ask "permission" to go or what I am allowed to do and vice-versa.  Again, if that works for you, super.  It does not work here.

And finally, another situation we have run across is that I don't schedule his time.  I do occasionally invite people over for dinner and so that means that Frank will be here (especially if he wants to eat!) but I don't sign him up for events, I don't prompt him on what he should be doing in his spare time, I don't expect my "causes" to be HIS causes.  That's not right.  I know that I would hate it if he filled up MY spare time with things that only were important to him.  OR...along those same lines, if my causes interrupted his spare time.  That's why I try not to hold meetings or get-togethers here in the house because that means that he has to leave.  

A friend told me recently that she had read or heard somewhere that our husbands should be our first ministry.  I am all about that.  But remember, every ministry is DIFFERENT.  What works for you and your husband does not have to work for all of your friends' marriages and don't push your will on them!  

I'll be stepping down from my soapbox now....

So What's the Big Deal About Weddings?

I'm on the phone with my mom this morning and she is telling me about a wedding that she went to yesterday. I'm not a fan of weddings and I'm really not sure why. I guess my practical mind can't really wrap itself around the concept of spending so much money on one day. I mean, I had a wedding and I got wrapped up in all of the hooplah, but looking back I'm kinda like "Why?"

So this was an upscale New York wedding. The ceremony was at St. Patrick's Cathedral. First let me stop and say that I didn't even realize that they DID weddings there. I mean, I know it's a real church and they do hold mass there and everything but I can not even imagine what it would cost to hold your wedding there. Eighteen years ago Frank and I got married in a neighborhood church and it cost of $500. And believe me, it was NOT like St. Patrick's! Then there was the tourist factor at this wedding yesterday. People off the street were allowed in during the ceremony. They could not walk down the center aisle but they were allowed to mill about on the inside perimeter. Kind of weird if you ask me.

The bride had a professional hair stylist (She does hair for all kinds of TV shows) and a professional make up artist follow her around all day. You know, if my lipstick faded, oh, well. Can you imagine having a team of people at your beck and call all day to make sure your lips are forever glossy??

Our wedding was small in New York standards and at the time my dad gave us the option of having the wedding or getting the cash that he would spend on the wedding. Like two idiots we chose the wedding. I have to be honest with you, there are a LOT of negative memories about that day that had we chose what was behind door number two, we might be happier people today.

I guess here's my question to you: Do you think you have a better marriage today BECAUSE of your wedding? People who spend $100,000 on their weddings, well, doesn't that make the divorce hurt that much more? Our wedding back in 1991 cost about $10,000 total. We planned it quickly (I was pregnant - sorry) and we were unprepared for such expenses - dad did not pay for everything as I thought he would and so we ended up not making any money. You live, you learn. We had only 100 people there - and we hurt a lot of feelings because we had to stick to that number. I was not given control of the list, guess who was? Bottom line, SO NOT WORTH IT!!!

Although, on a cheery note, one of the greatest memories from our wedding was having the entire room sing "American Pie" while we ate. That was amazing. So tell me people, how did your actual wedding affect your marriage? Did it make it for better or for worse?

This Time, It's all about Us...

I got this one from Big Love blog and thought it was adorable and easy to do on this busy Tuesday. Enjoy!

What are your middle names?
John and Beth

How long have you been together? Twenty years - we dated for two and are married now for 18.

How long did you know each other before you started dating?
A few weeks

Who asked whom out?
That's a big debate. He actually asked me out the first time we met but I declined (he was going to a bar and I was underage with no fake I.D). Weeks later, I asked him out.

How old are each of you?
45 & 40 - remember my 80's party?

Whose siblings do you see the most?
It changes from year to year

Which situation is the hardest on you as a couple?
Finances

Did you go to the same school?
Same high school but we didn't know each other.

Are you from the same home town?
Yes - he even worked in the nursing home where my Nana was but we still didn't know each other.

Who is smarter?
We each have our strengths and weaknesses so I'd have to say a tie.

Who is the most sensitive?
TOTALLY me!

Where do you eat out most as a couple?
Outback Steakhouse - there is nothing better!

Who has the craziest exes?
Wow, it's been so long...but I think his ex had to be the craziest.

Who has the worst temper?
Um, that's debatable too. I get madder quicker, but he is definitely louder.

Who does the cooking?
All me, all the time!

Who is the neat-freak?
Neither is a neat-freak per se, but it bothers him more when the house is messy.

Who is more stubborn?
Oh, that's me. Definitely.

Who hogs the bed?
Frank. I get an elbow to the face a LOT.

Who wakes up earlier?
Me. I'm the human alarm clock for the masses around here.

Who is more jealous?
He is.

How long did it take to get serious?
We moved in together in under two months.

Who eats more?
Me. Frank does the whole "I eat to live, not live to eat" thing that makes me want to smack him. Whereas I am a foodie who loves to eat!

Who does the laundry?
Unfortunately, ME!

Who’s better with the computer?
Me - but only because I have WAY too much time on my hands!

Who drives when you are together?
We normally split it up. I drive TO someplace and he drives home.

A Heartfelt Easter

Yesterday was Easter Sunday. It felt weird this year. Not just the day in general, but even the time leading up to it. I was not in to making plans, I had no idea what I was making for dinner until the day before...all very unlike me. Michael informed us that he did not want any eggs or baskets, there was no need for an egg hunt. All he really wanted was a chocolate bunny and maybe, just maybe a little gift. Considerate, right?

So yesterday began with the giving of the chocolate bunnies and gift cards plus the DVD of "Bolt". The boys were very thankful. I got up and got myself ready for church but I just was not feeling it. Michael and I went to church (Nick went with Beckah) and we got there early and really had no idea where we were supposed to go. After some random wandering, we found out. Michael went to his service and I headed off to mine. I had the opportunity to sit with an old friend. We see each other from time to time but she was truly surprised to see me at church yesterday. When she invited me to sit with her and her family, I readily agreed. The music was nice, the sermon was relevant but I still wasn't there.

Then came the closing of the service and they sang "Amazing Grace". And I wept like a baby. I hear this song all the time on the radio at work but standing there and singing it brought me to my knees. Thankfully, my friend had tissues because I was a mess. Not only does this wonderful song/prayer say so much about what Jesus did for us, but it was one of my grandmother's favorites. Standing there singing it reminded me of all of the times she came to church with me and sang it while standing beside me. My heart hurt. On a day where we are to remember the one who died and rose again for us, I was also remembering the one that I am missing the most. I was a mess by the time I got home.

BUT...when I got home, there was my wonderful husband. My knight in shining armor. Ladies, everyone should have one of these. Frank doesn't go to church with me and I have learned to deal with that a very long time ago. But when I got home yesterday he was deep in to my "honey-do" list that I have been wanting him to do for ages. The yard was clean, the broken swing set was dealt with, tools were put away, air filters were changed...I mean, the man WORKED all day right up until dinner time. Acts of service is truly my love language and on a day that I needed it most, my man came through. It's just another reason that I love him so.

I hope that all of you had a wonderful Easter. I hope that you were surrounded by those that you love the most.