Okay, so the afterglow of having some time to myself in a completed bathroom has faded and life officially went back to sucking today.
Aren't you glad you stopped by?
So I'm on the phone with my mom today and we were talking about how I'm doing and I'm like "you know...I'm just disappointed". In what? Well, right now pretty much everything. I look around me at my friends who have a different kind of family than I do. I mean, I have always known that my family was "different" but it never bothered me until now. Mom and I talked on that a bit and it's kind of wild that we can both pick the moment that changed our lives (and we were on the same wave-length as to what that moment was).
Without getting in to a bashing session, we both agreed that the moment was when my dad left. Life changed in that moment and it was never the same and it hasn't been the same since. Yes, we've all grown up and moved on but ...well, did you ever see that movie "Sliding Doors" with Gwenyth Paltrow? Well, the story is about a woman who's life is defined by one moment: She is on her way home and at that point the movie splits to show how her life would have been if she actually caught the train home and the other side shows what happened because she didn't catch the train. It's sometimes as simple as that.
If my parents hadn't split up, mom wouldn't have worked three jobs to support us. My sister and I wouldn't have been left alone so much to fight. Dad wouldn't have gone through his party phase and ...well, let's just say that the family would still be benefiting from that.
I'm jealous of my friends who have families that can HELP them. I'm envious of my friends who have parents who take them on vacation or just want to spend time with them. I realize that I am 600 miles away from both of my parents and that was my decision to move. But at this point in my life when things are so low, it is scary to not have anyone to help us. Actually, I hate that we even NEED help, but we do.
Tonight, before Frank left for band practice, we had a talk that I think is going to be a defining moment in our situation. I have always supported Frank and encouraged him to make choices to do what he wanted career wise. Well, tonight I pretty much lost my mind and became the anti-cheerleader and told him what I (and that is a bold and emphasized "I") NEED him to do. I think it's a good thing that he went out after that so that it can sort of sink in and it's nice for me to have a little reflective time, as well.
Fact is, friends, I'm scared and freaking out about our finances. I know we are not alone and that the majority of the country is struggling but I am selfishly focusing on us. If I've said it once, I've said it a hundred times, God has never left us without a roof over our heads and food on the table. But you know what? This time, it just FEELS different. It's a little too close to the fire, if you know what I mean.
sigh...
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5 comments:
I am so with you on this one. We have struggled before, but this time is more scary and so much harder.
Here is to better days.
Lydia
I know I barely know you, but I've been reading your blog for a couple weeks and commenting when I have a moment. First, I know so few people who've ever seen Sliding Doors, so YAY for that. Second, I was married to a musician for thirteen years. We had a daughter, and though he worked the entire time we were married, our family suffered in a big way because of the choices we made. When his job started to go downhill and we were suffering financially it never got better for us. We could have stuck it out because we were friends, but the weight was too much to keep carrying. Financially, things have gotten easier from time to time, but not for him. I raise our daughter with almost no financial help from him now, and it's still the same old same old. Such a disappointment, but on the other hand I was fortunate enough to meet someone and fall in love again. He's my partner, and though it isn't always easy we do it together. Maybe not completely relevant at all, and possibly too much rambling information, but it was a defining moment in my life and Sliding Doors (which I have on DVD and watch every once in awhile,) was one of the determining factors. I could catch the train to a better life if i wanted to... couldn't I? I think I did. Here's hoping your situation gets better soon.
That's great that the bathroom is finally done! I've never seen Sliding Doors, but it sounds like a movie I would like.
I wish I knew something to say to make you feel better, I've been there before, and if it hadn't been for my family bailing me out, my son and I would have been homeless.
I hope things get better for you soon, I'll keep you and your family, and Lydia's in my prayers!
I'm with Jenny H... I didn't know anyone else that had seen SLIDING DOORS until you mentioned you had seen it. I stumbled across it one night and enjoyed.
Now... I've actually written a post about this same type of thing - http://itsjustme-roo.blogspot.com/2009_09_01_archive.html
I'll be praying for you my friend. I know life isn't easy. One of my other friends is always saying "Life shouldn't be THIS hard!" But I guess this is why we were chosen to roam the earth in this day and time. I guess we are stronger than we realize.
Hi! I could so much relate to this post! It is so true that times has been difficult nowadays. My friends may see me smiling and being carefree at all times, but deep inside, I am freaking out as far as our finances are concerned. Anyway, I haven't watched Sliding Doors yet and I am thankful for having read this - - for giving me the idea to watch it and determine my defining moment as well. haha!
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